Masonry Magazine February 2002 Page. 28
Important Construction Industry Definitions:
# A/E:
Architect/Engineer
# A/E/EYOKFLTSWADD:
Architect/Engineer/Eighteen-Year-Old-Kids-From-Local-Tech-School-Who-Actually-Do-Drawing.
# Addenda:
Written changes to bidding documents occurring once architectural plans and specifications hit street and it becomes crystal clear that project entitled "Springville Nuclear Power Plant: Reactor #3 Renovation" is really recycled "Chucky Cheeses: New Fun-a-Rama Maze plan with title-block changes.
# Architect:
Design professional and (often) owner-representative for the building industry. Gets money up front, denies any and all responsibility from there on out, and charges for revision of own mistakes. When cornered will often feign knowledge of the English language. No idiots these architects.
# Architect's Project Budget:
Greatest amount of money owner is willing to pay for project to go ahead and for architect to get contract. No relation to actual cost of project.
# Bid Letting (open):
Gathering held upon completion of bid period wherein all competitors' blind proposals are opened and read aloud with the (virtually always) lowest bid receiving contract. This is akin to awarding upcoming, delicately intricate procedure to repair elusive brain aneurysm to Yosemite Sam.
# Bid Letting (closed):
Bid award procedure wherein the project owner secretly chooses a contractor for his project. He then holds open bid process anyway to 1) appear fair, 2) make sure contractor he's selected isn't screwing him; and to 3) waste valuable time and resources of other (losing) bidding contractors. Busy owner then sets off for 3:00 pm meeting on business ethics. They're serving those little cocktail weenies in barbecue sauce he likes so much.
# BOO-HAH-HAH-HAHII:
Gleeful sound emitted by owner as you sign his contract.
# BOO-HAH-HAH-HAH(SNORT!!):
Gleeful sound emitted by owner as you sign his contract with liquidated damages included.
by Steve Saucerman
# Change Order (Owner):
"I forgot this and I'd like you to do it for free.
# Change Order (Contractor):
"Yeah right "See "Cha-ching!!"
# Closeout:
Moment in time everything catches up to contractor.
# Contract Retainage:
Carefully calculated "withholding of money from contractor; generally a percentage of entire contract amount. Used to cover cost to force contractor into fixing screw-ups by A/E firm.
# Construction Foreman:
Person in charge of construction operations in the field. Often seen driving field workers over edge of cliff for consumption later. Notably disturbed and disheveled, foreman may resemble Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" but can actually be a "softy" at heart. Once observed compassionately allowing one last phone call before beheading painter.
# Construction Management Firm:
Organization of college-educated, white men with electronic organizers who really want to be in construction but can't seem to get past the nasty thought of actually associating with construction workers. ("See "suits")
# Design/Build:
Construction arrangement with project owner wherein GC finally makes up money for all those blind, loser, competitive-bid wastewater projects he'd been giving away in order to keep crews working.
# Design/Build (Competitive-bid):
Used moments after project owner proclaims, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M PAYING $250,000 IN DESIGN FEES FOR A GDAMN DOG HOUSE!!"
# GC:
Angels of the construction industry. Just really, really good guys. ("See "author's resume")
# Lien Waiver:
Legal affidavit releasing project owner from threat of lien by contractor/supplier in simultaneous exchange of payment for work rendered-virtually eliminating any leverage whatsoever that contractor/supplier may own to collect said money should owner default. Commonly collected two months prior to anyone seeing one red cent.
# Lump-sum Proposal:
Fixed-cost proposal wherein contractor may not adjust his cost except through owner/AE-approved change contract modifications which works out ok, because contractor made tons of profit in panic-laden, post-bid VE process ("see below).
# Patriarch - Construction Firm:
The person who sweated, toiled, sacrificed, and worked day and night for thirty-five years to grow a fledgling, home based remodeling company into the highly-respected, multi-million dollar commercial construction success that it is today. Once sold own blood to make payroll.
# Son(s) - Construction Firm:
Unskilled, undisciplined, pathetically ill-equipped little weenie(s) who God saw fit to spring from the loins of the patriarch. God thought it was really funny at the time. Son(s) often observed purchasing box seats over INTERNET with company credit card, golfing and calling it "networking", diverting company workers to house to finish Sauna, and driving daddy's dream into ground. ("See "Chapter 13-Bankruptcy").
# T & M (Time and Material):
Work where contractor is paid only for the labor man-hours and material costs actually incurred on job. Does not denote Torture & Masochism as many believe.
# Value-Engineering (VE):
Period of time after bids have been received for project in which owner realizes he's been had by A/E. Occurring on approximately 100% of all construction projects, VE is when the "team" (i.e. the contractor) explores avenues for bringing $1,500,00 project down "into the $400,000 range". Since time is always of the essence, during VE, A/E may accept a check to revise own mistakes. Since contractor is no dummy, he'll make 30% on all VE changes, thereby transforming base bid P&O line item from 4 to 12 percent.
# Your Boss:
("See "sociopath")
# Zero:
Your profit, self-esteem, prospects, and social life one month after entering building industry.
Well... it's more of an art than a science.
:-)
28 MASONRY FEBRUARY, 2002